on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
