Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
