see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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