To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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