we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
