Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
