All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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