I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
