I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Shame is for Republicans.
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