Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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