What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
