I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The cops high fived after they tackled you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
