This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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