You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I still have a little drunk in my system
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
