party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
