we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
