You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
