awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
