I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
