think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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