we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
