I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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