dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
