Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
