i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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