I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
