I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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