I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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