I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
