I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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