I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
