my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
