season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize