one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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