Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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