i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
