shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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