I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize