Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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