I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize