good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My legs feel like baby dolphins
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
