The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my shit smells like andre
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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