so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
