I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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