You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
