True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
false alarm, still single
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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