I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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