I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
