i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize