P.S. I can't hear my feet
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
