If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
