You work out of a Hotel?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
