Please, let me fuck your mom
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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