a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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