i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
