I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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