I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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