he told me I talked like a deaf person
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
