Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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