my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
