he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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