3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
