Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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