when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
