I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
