I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
