never play flip cup with pint glasses
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
