I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
