just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
